Tinkerbell

-The best teachers don’t give you the answers.

They just point out the mistakes, but you’re still in control.

That way you get all the glory.

And you deserve it.

She finds my voice, when I inch away from the world.

When they push me aside, she pulls me back,

Reminds me that I don’t need to prove myself,

That I don’t have to play their game,

Because I’m much better

Because I am much stronger.

She reminds me of these…

And with self inflicted wounds

And a knife on my hand,

My blood stained clothes,

She accepts me.

No questions asked.

She listens.

She constantly reminds me to dream.

She doesn’t force me to grow.

Take your own pace, she says.

No one requires you to win this race.

She accepts me. She waits.

No questions asked.

She allows me to breakdown.

“It’s normal.” She says.

Then she puts a lid on it.

“Enough now. You’re done.  You’re pass it.

We must now create a new path for tomorrow.

Everyday is a new you, and

You shed yourself everyday.

Don’t waste it.”

My Saviour. My Teacher. A Fairy.

Defying gravity that was constantly,

Purposely committed to bring me down.

You're wonderful

She always kept her distance.
Possibly, in a wrong way, she hurt him.
And he said enough.

"You wanted nobody around to see".

And all of a sudden that mask falls.  She shows her true self.  She can't control him with her distance anymore.

And now she tells him, all of this, her feelings, shows how vulnerable she is.
But it's simply too late.

She dropped her mask.  Shows her true self to get him back, but its too late, he's deaf to her pleas.

Nothing she says changes the way he feels.

He recognizes it is a game, this is the way it goes and will go again.  Once can see this line in 3 ways-

1. He is saying there is a possibility, after all, for them now that she has shown her vulnerability.

2.  It is a general comment on how people play with each other.  Sometimes the game is simply too much.

3. We play with people, keep our distance and because of that we can't get enough of each other.  We never get to see enough until its too late.

Sweet.  Somehow still loving but a clear answer to her pleas: Baby, No.

1 month

It's been a month now. 
And this is the longest I've gone through... without you.


I want to write this without any background music, that way, it's purely emotions, no second verses, no one liners, this will be just about you, how I feel about you, and how I am currently and where I am in this vast predisposition of whirlwind emotions.


I miss you.
   Frankly, I don't know how to start this. And if maybe I will see you again, I won't be able to talk.  I can remember the last time I saw you.  You were so guilty, you can't even look me in the eye.


Quit it.
  And I know things are better left unsaid.  Maybe you should let it flow.  I can hear you calling me. And probably, you can hear me calling you. Please, let us deny ourselves of this. We can't forever go on. We can't forever fool ourselves. When you said you can't answer me if you still love me, then and there showed that we don't deserve this.  I don't deserve this.


I want to hate you. I want to rant. I want to be bitter. I want to be angry.  But I can't. I'd rather feel indifference towards you. I force myself everyday.  And it takes more than efforts, it takes more than a life.  I had to let a world die, just for you.  So I can move on with my life.  I had to let a world die.


Continually we are changing, and we let the perfect asymmetries slow us down.


We are not the same.  You and I.


I had fun.  I still want to remember you smiling during the good times that we had.  Love and lost always come hand in hand. 


And if you say that you were not happy.  Don't bring me down with negativity.  You were shining with happiness then.


Were.


Now everything else is of past tense.


Funny noh? We were discussing our separation the first time we hooked up.


Everything else is now happening so fast, I can't pinpoint where they started to pull the curtains down.


I am moving on.  I don't see you in my future.  I had to be blunt, but things are easier that way.  Love is complicated and simple at the same time.


If this will be the last journal about you, then I'm grateful. But if not, forgive me, this is how I cope with death.


I miss you.  I miss you in my life.


Look me in the eye, say you want to quit it, that you don't remember the way that we did it.

i'm mad
i'm a mess

and it starts there,
i need to forgive myself first before
i start moving on

i'm a mess
and everyday is a journey to
start making a smaller mess out of me

i am grateful
he pointed out the problem
and how i am creating the problem
and how i can solve me

he pushes me to pursue a higher me

the end came.

Finally.

I had been long waiting for this moment.
I was scared.  Too scared to face the truth.
I know this will be harder than it seems, and easier than it feels.

It came to a point that I think I need an explanation.
That I deserve an explanation, on how things became,
On how things led the way it is now.
But, he made me realize that this is the end,
and that things are better left unsaid.
Monsters will surface and resurface once the past is defined.
And he knows we're better than that,
And I don't know how I can ever change his mind.

I want to change his mind.
But the wounds started bleeding again, badly.
And no matter how I nurse it,
It starts to bleed again.

STOP.
"You are just making this hard on yourself."

Like bullets pounding on my chest,
he killed me in that instant.

With so much love, came so much lost.
And as much as I want to find myself in his arms again,
makes me define how much self-worth I've lost.

I can't feel him anymore.
The connection we had was broken and if given the chance
to do it all over again, I will. I will.

If you can hear me,
If you can somehow channel your mind into mine.
I still love you.
I want you to know I still love you
even if it means that you can be happy without me.