Thursday, September 24, 2009

ex factor

where were you when i needed you?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Dessert

I miss you.

You.
Again. Piercing another arrow in my heart.
You.
I miss you.

Please let the table turn.
I think I've had more of my share.
Let him get his'. I've had enough...


Dessert please.

a lost cause

The fool made me realize that a thousand heartaches cannot break you.  Only YOU can break you.  Just as you see the days pass the nights, you can be the only one who can decide when to GIVE IN and when to TURN BACK.


A lost cause will never survive. 
But you feel loneliness once you realize it.


There's an air of weight sitting on your shoulders. 
And how it makes you wonder
How long will I live like this?
Will I be like you too?
And I know I deserve better.
Much Better. Nonetheless.
And smiles. And wines. And lies.
The fill in the empty space that needs to be replaced since the first day of everything.
Endings are always difficult than beginnings.


And I can't understand you.
I can't understand your language.


And as much as i have hoped that we had the same world.  We don't.
We never will.
Never even started.


I feel you.
Do you comprehend what you're missing?


And intentions had been said as part of suggestive planning.
And everything else has been going on inside my head.
MY HEAD. CRAZY NONCHALANT BITCH.
TOO CREATIVE.
TOO SUSPICIOUS.
LESS WORK.
MORE NONSENSE.


And the winds carry me on.
The sky cries for me.
I will hunt you down with grace
When the pain of discomfort
Tames my insatiable thirst for quest.


A QUEST.
That's all there ever was.
A chase-chase-hunt-chase situation.
Who gets to be the hunter and the hunted?


A long gone question in my head
In my head? I hear you.
You mock me.
You don't deserve a walk in my world.
Never.
Never will be.
I will find another path that will lead me to you.
For you 
Disappoint me.
DISAPPOINT ME. You don't have to prove the world
you can charm them
You don't have to impress them
That you're better on your own.  And if he was the man 
She wanted
Him to be,
He would not be intimidated by her silence.




I'm getting creative now. You see
The beauty of it is that it needs to be 
Replaced constantly. An attempt for a conundrum.
Ah, the play of words. WORLDS.
Let me hope to dream.
Maybe I can still find the lust, the pure
Desire to want you back.
My arms that used to hold you
Feels neglected, and the Kisses
that used to burn me with such
Passion, disappeared when I 
Followed you in the dark.


I'm getting lonely. And I understand.
I see the dark where I'm heading.
Places like this used to comfort me.
Now, I'm not sure. Not
So Sure.
Anymore.


There's no time that will be spent.
No more
Waiting until something bends,
No more 
Holding on 
Anymore
I have lived by you and as far
as We KNOW
We had 
Made
Things Work.


We will still live
With each other.  I am still beside
You.
You are not mine,
I will never lose you.
I will still try to save you.
Embrace you from all the hurting.
Comfort you when you lack faith.
I am there for you as you have been there for me.
I will remember you. 
One happy day is almost considered a miracle.
I will remember you.
But I will never again come looking for you.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

December One

My fingers carved the familiar silhoutte with such rush as if there's no beginning. No end. Only us. We exist.


My heart skipped with a few play of words.
Rush. Intimate.


We were our own world. We are places.
It was solemn. I was trying to memorize every line, trying to memorize the softness of your skin, trying to memorize the silkiness fo your hair.


And I will remember.


For every curve that perfectly succumbs to you.
How the sweetness tries to cover the shame,
tries to hide the loneliness.
We drown ourselves with delusions. Everything will turn out right. Everything will be fine.


I will miss you.
Trying to cover myself now. Colors have changed.
Demons have sprung forth. You see, I can't control them.


I need your strength.


And how one folds arms around takes everything away.  It will even hide the pain for a few seconds.


Afterglow.  Moments.  Wonders.


Time is passing. Everything is for granted but we finally learned to respect time.


In a very destructive way.






 I am looking forward to another path that will lead me to you.
Want to see how worlds had changed, how it will be.
You, us, me and forever will be different.
Back in worlds were we belong.

last hope. last chance.

Forgive me.

I know I'm being selfish once again, disturbing your peace, your world, when I know you want to be left alone and when I know that you want to be separated from me. But I think I have to, I want to indulge myself with you, with heartaches of you, because it's the only thing I can hold on to right now, my only connections to you.

Yes, I know we've pointed out so many times.
I've changed. You've changed. We've changed.

I've become a part of a monster that even I can't control.

And you've become apart from my world.
Growing distant each day you get to face my demons.
And I feel such lost. Such remorse.
It feels like a part of me has died.
And I'm trying to retrieve every burning memory in my head. I can't let go. Not yet.

I want to analyze everything.
But emotions are quite wild horses. It is just as it is. You have to accept as it is.
I have yet again learn to control it.

I guess I lost more of myself to you in this relationship that I don't have anything anymore. I am left with nothing. I know you didn't ask for this, it was freely given.



I am yours
I have told you this a thousand time while you were sleeping in my arms.
I've become erratic, demanding and crazy with little bits of sarcasm.
I've witnessed you leave my world.
And maybe it's a good thing. Maybe such a thing is not meant to last.
Love teaches us to be strong.
Love strengthens our soul.
Funny though, lovers are of faith, but none the less, strangers-in-waiting. Once you turn your back, you don't know them anymore.
I hate you and I love you all the same.
And the more I try not to think about it leads me back from the start,

that night in Saguijo with you in a Viking Suite;
that night in the cemetery when you introduced me to your dad;
a sunflower in UP;
days in Hongkong, Boracay and Palawan;
days of your post-surgery,
and how we tried to make it work...
How we always tried.
There's so much more I wanna say. So much more I wanna share with you. But time won't allow us.
Forgive me once again.
I will look for you.
I might call you again or even be around you.
Help me forget you.
Try to understand.
Love is so short, forgetting is long.
Delay has always been a good antidote of anger.
I will try. I will get by, I know that I've been there before. I can still get out of it.
I just want to try everything, to give it all my efforts before turning my back to you. At least I've tried. I don't want what-ifs haunting me in the future.
So I guess... maybe... mmm.. what I'm trying to say is..

I still want to be with you. I know you know that.
And you can be stubborn and stupid and ruthless at the same time.
Come back to me.
But if you have made up your mind, that you don't need me as much as I need you...

I will miss your smile that makes my heart skip a beat.
I will miss your eyes that shine like silver in the darkest of nights.
I will miss running my hands through your long soft hair.
I will miss your voice that calls me in the sweetness of days.
I will miss your touch that takes away all the hurting...
Hurting...
So I guess, this IS goodbye.
You've become a part of me, as I've become a part of you.
You will never be mine, that is why I will never lose you.
You were my hope during days of loneliness,
my anxiety in days of doubt,
my certainty during momets of faith.
I will remember you. As you will remember me.
I will save you from all the hurting,
and if you need me, I will be there in a heartbeat.
I will remember you.
May the dark of the night protect you as it had protected me...